Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
