i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
