I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
