its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
