Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
