Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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