for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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