I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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