Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
