you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
