new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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