3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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