I think I died a long time ago.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
