Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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