So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
