R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
