and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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