Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
