Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
