Your mouth is God's brothel.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
