I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
