You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
