at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
