my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
