at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
