Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
