after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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