If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dick very happy bro
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
