I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
There's even glitter on my cock...
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