do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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