why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
