Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
