I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
