were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
