there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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