I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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