hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
