Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
