I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
