Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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