You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
