I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if only i could text you this smell
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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