he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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