Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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