Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
