I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
