all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
