he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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