Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
