Where did you get a picture of my penis
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
