i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
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